NAMING, BLAMING, CLAIMING: LAW SUITS BROUGHT OUT OF "BOREDOM" CLAIMS LEADING RESEARCHER

A leading researcher from the school of experimental social science has controversially revealed that one of the chief causes of law suits is boredom. Professor Ian S. Pistaldatheim very kindly indulged us with a detailed discussion of his research findings - and these shall appear on this website in due course - but insofar as the news team (comprised of 15 PhD students and 10 Professors) encountered some difficulties in deciphering these, we reserve this column to give a flavour of his latest work. The thrust of his findings was that in contemporary times people have far more time on their hands than ever before (more "disposable time": despite contemporary perceptions of our being busier than ever before), and more industrious at filling leisure time with "busy nothingness" - however, central to the study was that filing law suits and sending letters threatening law suits now constitute major leisure activities in Western society. An extract from Professor Pistaldatheim's forthcoming book, Too Bored and Afraid to Yawn? Litigiousness and Boredom, readily reveals his concerns:

"In days of old, members of society used to find numerous reasons to congregate and interact - all of which can be described as basic "humanity-asserting behaviour". Now, whether through fear, and/or an aquired taste for general listlessness or fatigue, one finds oneself generally bored most of the time. One grows to expect it and develop a taste for it - anything more than a sense of marginal boredom and one is in deep danger of feeling "stressed". As a result, the most mundane and trivial of events, such as sitting on a pin, now take on the most astonishing importance in the biography of one's life - extraordinary! It is, however, a boring and safe kind of excitement - a less peakie kind of peak."

Professor Pistadatheim notes that in modern times we have become "merchants of boredom - flatliners" where, "Nothing is truly notable in the ordinary life of a person these days." It is for this reason, he suggests, that tripping upon a slightly exposed paving stone constitutes a major event: "one feels compelled to pursue it, why it happened, and the question of who was responsible for it, with some vigour."

The Professor explains that humans are constantly motivating towards seeking "peak experiences" as humanity-asserting behaviour (the "I live - I am here! Look at me!" humanity affirming claim); however, insofar as those peak experiences would have been acquired frequently through normal social interaction in days of old, the difficulty in modern times is that we have become so paralysed with concern over the remotest sniff of risk, peak experiences are less forthcoming. However, as he claims, we have adapted and evolved to find different, and safer and less exciting forms of peak experiences. As he explains:

"...the sense of existing in the world and being notable for something, is gained through the processes of litigation and/or negotiation of settlement. ...[many now pursue] the safe and clean battle for compensation"

"Now, that desire for one's rather mundane day to day experience being broken, the sense of existing in the world and being notable for something, is gained through the processes of litigation and/or negotiation of settlement. If triumph is sought, if something notable is to be found, something that serves to assert one's difference to a mere ant in the garden, the safe and clean battle for compensation is one obvious possibility - and many, as our team found, pursue it."

"For the man who experiences nothing, the merest of somethings will constitute a great cause of excitement."

As Professor Ian explains, none of this is to suggest that individuals seeking compensation do not suffer an injury of some kind, but that the team's finding was that "in so many of these cases, the injuries sustained are not particularly notable, interesting or significant in effect either - so dull has life become, that the most trivial (and dull) injuries have transformed into injuries of the most extraordinary kind. For the man who experiences nothing, the merest of somethings will constitute a great cause of excitement. Mental paralysis, the significance of insignificance is the modern condition."

Too Bored and Afraid to Yawn? Litigiousness and Boredom is due to be published in January 2009 by Picksasheet Publishing House Ltd, an independent publishing house. Professor Ian S. Pistaldatheim is not currently able to accept or respond to correspondence prior of that date (he is currently on sick leave for suspected mental injury following the receipt of hundreds of angry emails from accident victims).

THE ID CARD DEBATE: FORMER CRIMINAL GIVES ID CARDS THE THUMBS UP

According to a former criminal, CV-X (who wishes to known as CV-X for legal reasons) the debate over ID cards is "one-sided", and is based on "a mixture of ignorance and fear". Rather as CV-X maintains, the ID debate, is in desperate need of input from the criminal community. Read on.

BREAKING RESEARCH: BRITISH WOMEN FIND MEN FROM U.S. HOTTER

Ground-breaking research from the School of Social Psychology and Biology reveals that British women are likely to consider U.S. men to be "hotter" than their British counterparts. Professor Grandstyle, who has conducted extensive research into body temperature, comments that,

"Of course, there are several connotations to this - but to our amusement and, as British men, perhaps dismay - both would seem to be correct. The British subjects that we studied (the subjects also used in the Identity Card Scheme analysis) suggests that females not only find that US males are better groomed and coiffured than their British counterparts (the 'sniff' test), but also on the basis of our new 'touch test', that US men are really 'hotter' ".

The implications of this research have yet to be more fully explored in a two year research programme entitled, "A Longitudinal Study of British Women's perceptions of temperature".

Click Here for Other School of Social Pscyhology and Biology Research Articles

BREAKING RESEARCH: "WELL-BEING" INCREASED BY IDENTITY CARDS

Following their controversial findings as to the ability of identity cards to eliminate criminality - including terrorism (see article: ID cards will eliminate criminality), Scholars in the School of Social Psychology and Biology have revealed further startling results from their independent study: astonishing increases in well-being as a result of carrying identity cards.

When carrying identity cards, the subjects "appeared significantly happier, with an increased appetite for fun and social activities."

After extensive studies on a group of goats, across a period of two years, Professors Grandstyle and Mohikee collected significant evidence which revealed that when carrying identity cards, the goats not only abstained from criminal activities, but appeared significantly happier, with an increased appetite for fun and social activities. "Though we need to assess these findings more fully," Professor Grandstyle commented, "there is a strong link between lack of criminality and well-being - those who abstain from criminal activities are very probably happier. But either way, identity cards would appear to have a positive impact upon both: lack of criminality and an increased sense of well-being".

Random sampling techniques, according to Professor Mohikee, provided 'indisputable evidence as to the benefits of Identity Cards': "we looked at two groups of subjects - subjects that knew that they were or were not identity card holders, and a group of subjects that had no idea whether or not they were identity card holders - although the data needs further analysis and substantiation, indications are, that identity cards simply increase well-being across the board. All of our researchers were really surprised at how the subjects held an increased appetite for social engagements when carrying identity cards. At the moment (until further research is conducted) though we can only conjecture as to why identity cards are having such positive effects, it could well be that knowing who one is and having proof of that - and perhaps pride in that sense of "concrete identity", seemed to add to our subjects' desire to go out and mix with other subjects in highly law-abiding ways. As you can imagine, we are so excited at these findings".

"Identity Cards may... increase the psychological health of... individuals and avoid the kind of anxiety and embarrassment [suffered] when not being able to recall ... simple [biographical] information"

Elsewhere in the University of Newchange, simultaneous research is providing further backing for these findings; Professor Plantier's ground-breaking research on the negative ramnifications for individuals who suffer "EFS" (Extreme Forgetfulness Syndrome), also illustrates that great benefits are likely to flow from the possession of, and mandatory carrying of identity cards. As she found, sufferers of EFS very often experienced difficulty in recalling very basic and common biometrical details, as well as other identity-related information including their address or details as to previous criminal convictions. This Plantier comments often resulted in the suffering of classic negative EFS symptoms - what she describes as "extreme anxiety and distress" in not being able to recall very basic biographical information, e.g. when questioned by the police during random stop and search procedures. As Professor Plantier commented, "the possession of Identity Cards may well serve to greatly increase the psychological and indeed, physical health of these individuals and avoid the kind of anxiety and embarrassment they suffer when not being able to recall some of the most simple information about themselves".

"Our research findings ... provide overwhelming evidence that is impossible to dispute: ID cards are good for you".

Combined, such conclusions, the Professors say, must surely be welcomed by the Government at a time when there is great controversy about the cost and justifications for an identity card scheme in the United Kingdom. As Professor Grandstyle noted, "insofar as many have suggested that the extraordinary costs of the ID scheme cannot be justified given the inability of the Government to articulate how, for example, ID cards might promote and secure national security, our findings to date suggest, by contrast, that that money would be well spent". As Professor Plantier emphasised, "our research findings here at Newchange provide overwhelming evidence that is impossible to dispute: ID cards are good for you".

Research to date, funded by 'Say Yes to ID Cards", is the second part of an ongoing and independent small-scale project entitled, 'Say Yes to ID Cards'. For details as to the progression of the third part of this study, click here.

BREAKING RESEARCH: IDENTITY CARDS WILL ELIMINATE CRIMINALITY

Scholars in the School of Social Psychology and Biology have published initial test results that suggest that identity cards may well serve to reduce, and potentially eliminate, the incidence of criminality - including terrorism. After extensive studies on a group of goats, across a period of two years, Professors Grandstyle and Mohikee collected significant evidence which revealed that when carrying identity cards, the goats did not engage in criminal activities of any kind.

Such conclusions, the Professors say, must surely be welcomed by the Government at a time when there is great controversy about the cost and justifications for an identity card scheme in the United Kingdom. As Professor Grandstyle noted, "insofar as many have suggested that the extraordinary costs of the ID scheme cannot be justified given the inability of the Government to articulate how, for example, ID cards might promote and secure national security, our findings to date suggest, by contrast, that that money would be well spent". Research to date, funded by 'Say Yes to ID Cards", is part of an ongoing and independent small-scale project entitled, 'Say Yes to ID Cards'.

NB: For those concerned as to the welfare of the goats in this study, please contact Professor Grandstyle. For general information about goats, please see http://moufflon.blogspot.com/

FEET HEAT: WHY OLDER PEOPLE DRIVE SLOWER

Have you ever wondered why people in their advanced years drive slower on the highway? Or have you just assumed that this is owing to fewer pistons in the brain area firing? While the incidence of older people driving slowly on the roads was widely believed to be owing to the impact of age upon the brain resulting in reduced perception and slower reaction speeds, leading researchers at SSPB have uncovered an alternative explanation: feet heat.

According to Professor Pitdion, a newly-recruited researcher renowned for her somewhat radical experimental and unethical techniques in the field, the temperature of the feet is key to explaining differences in the amount of pressure applied by the foot in all sorts of activities. As she explains, her research builds upon well-established theories that the temperature of the foot is central in governing the temperature of the body:

‘A starting point for my research was simply this: think of how, on a hot day, just dipping one's feet into cold water can serve to cool us down. And think of those who are able to handle really hot things without sustaining pain. What ‘intelligence’ is happening here? As I started measuring the brain signals of very small children when assessing how the feet and the brain interacted, I found, to my amazement, that there was little additional processing activity triggered at all – rather, it seemed that the reaction of those very small children to prolonged exposure to hot (e.g. very hot coals) and cold (e.g. sub-zero substances) stimuli was almost autonomously governed by the pads on their feet.’

As Lucinda Pitdion argues, that the temperature of our feet is central to what signals the feet sends the brain in the first place also serves to overturn the idea of the brain being the centre of the body's universe.

"OUR FEET ARE... THINKING MACHINES IN THEIR OWN RIGHT"

'Rather, our bodies might be thought of as neural networks – and in this respect, our feet are not only extremely sensitive tools, but thinking machines in their own right. They send 'directive' signals to the brain to process and follow through by sending 'action/following' signals back to the muscles and ligaments. In this sense, the feet, rather than the brain, principally regulates the speed at which we walk or apply pressure to the accelerator, clutch and brake pedals of a car - in fact, any kind of activity which engages the feet first is governed first and foremost by the feet.'

So how, you might ask, does any of this relate to the incidence of old people driving slowly? Or indeed, to the incidence of younger people speeding on highways? Pitdion notes that while age is not the only factor that could influence the incidence of ‘driving slowly’, it is more likely that older people will drive more slowly given the way that the regulation of foot temperature breaks down over time. Moreover, she argues that generally, until individuals reach the age of 25 years, the overall foot temperature is constantly in ‘survival mode’ – either incredibly hot, or incredibly cold – prompting greater pressure being applied to the foot in most activities:-

‘Very hot feet – usually found in younger people – and very cold feet prompt the foot to send signals to the brain to ‘rush’ the body away from the exposure to extreme heat and cold. This is principally a needed survival mechanism which was, in times when we were exposed to all the elements, extremely useful in acting as an early warning system to prompt a person to walk faster or indeed run to find a cooler or indeed warmer location before the entire body was affected by extreme cold/heat. However, in older people, the monitors in the feet which measures temperature, break down, giving the foot the impression that the body’s temperature is okay and that no prompt action or further pressure needs to be applied by the foot.’

As Pitdion notes, ‘this is not merely an age thing’ – if there is a breakdown in the monitors in the feet this can result in problems for anyone: ‘the monitors in the foot, which measure temperature are massively susceptible to damage and correlative loses in blood supply’. However she notes that her research on older people illustrates that foot temperature problems are more marked with advanced age, with results that everyone knows about: ‘older people are more susceptible to being burnt and dehydrated in summer, suffering pneumonia in the middle of cold winters, and – as it pans out in the context of driving, the incidence of 20 mph driving everywhere. Perhaps as a result of the procreative role of a human being being over, at that point the brain and the foot simply stop talking to one another’.

So what, then, are the implications of Pitdion’s research? She argues that the implications are enormous:

‘We need to rethink not only how the whole of the body works and its relationship to the brain, but we also need to make important investments in technology that will send the needed information to the brain about the body and ambient temperature to prompt correct action. Moreover, we need to configure this with the realities of modern life and dramatically rethink activities such as driving where these ‘survival’ responses are very clearly dangerous’.

While Pitdion is currently facing criminal investigation for her research on small children, she is also currently working with firms in trainer and glove design to come up with solutions to the problems she has discovered.

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